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5/07/2008

More than you wanted to know... 

If there is a portion of hell devoted to terrible, ill-fitting underwear, I own a pair that were crafted by Lucifer himself.

If I ever decided to go on tour with a traveling museum of the world’s worst undergarments, I have some that would qualify as the most prized spectacle. People would come from miles around to pay two bits for a gander at the absolute scourge of my top dresser drawer.

Uggghhh. They’re just awful. Cosmetically, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them. They bear a striking resemblance to their VS cousins.

But every time I wear them, people note my apparent displeasure. I have a perpetual look of confusion on my face…

“Did I put them on backwards? …is the hole that was meant for one of my legs currently sitting around my waist? Something is very very wrong.”

And you may be thinking, “Why put yourself through such uncomfortableness, Kerry?”

That’s an excellent question, friend. And it’s a question that I haven’t fully been able to answer this entire morning.

Here’s what I have come up with…

1. I have an extreme distaste for the common-man toils of housework and laundry. Let’s say that due to my distaste, I postpone my laundry activities for an extended period of time. Imagine the horror I might feel if my drawer failed to yield more panties! That alone has incited me to hang on to this scary, marginal pair.
2. It’s easier to make excuses for yourself in the face of such an uncomfortable obstacle.

For example,

Boss: “Kerry, were you able to finish those reports?”
Kerry: “I tried, but I’m wearing a horrible pair of underbritches.”
Boss: “You poor thing! I’m sending you home. I’ll pray that you feel better soon.”
Kerry: “God bless you.”

When you stop and think about it, it’s actually a fascinating commentary on human behavior…

Or maybe it’s just about sloth. …ill-fitting, twisting, uncomfortable sloth.

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