These boots are made for walkin... 

but what are high-heels made for?

I walk to work in gym shoes. They don't exactly complement the ensemble, but at least my feet don't have to cower in fear. Every time I wear high-heeled shoes for any distance greater than 8 feet, my shoes begin to fill with blood.

Who...in the hell...would do that to themselves on purpose?

Right. So I get the fact that high-heeled shoes make you taller and make your ass stick out, supposedly so you'll be more attractive to the opposite sex. Unfortunately for me, the opposite sex can't seem to look past my strange hobbling and the trail of blood originating at my feet. C'mon...what about that scenario isn't sexy?

Yet...defying all odds, I managed to snag a man without wearing high-heels.

Woohoo! Take that, social norms!

But still, I can't help but feel like I'm in the middle of some kind of a weird sexual arms race. Before I know it, women will be walking around on stilts and toting their enhanced breasts around on dollies.

Presumably...if all women wore high-heels, then no woman would gain a competitive advantage ...but all women would be in pain.


The solution then should be fairly obvious....I'm going to talk to every woman on the planet and convince them that if we all agreed to not wear high-heels...then we'd all be better off collectively.

Yeah...that might work.

"Just sign on the dotted line."

But then some bitch on stilts would come around the corner and blow the whole deal.

Uggghh. I hate bitches on stilts.

Punishment for violating the agreement would have to be swift and severe. On the third occasion that someone is found to be wearing performance enhancing shoes, I propose a lifetime ban from society.

The sexual market would become a police state...and we might all recognize that we were happier with the illusion than with the truth.

Who said anything about baseball? I'm talking about shoes here, people.


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